This has been rattling around my head for a few years now.
I have repeatedly posted a quote from Nietzsche saying, ‘He who has a why, can tolerate almost any how’. This correlates nicely with a quote from Frankel (sp?) saying, ‘A man without purpose distracts himself with pleasure’ which I recently realized has been the synopsis of the majority of my free time pursuit for years.. Largely because the desired purpose seems all but closed off to me.
This may suggest to the observant what I have long known to be true, I lack a why, a real purpose. I continue to be adrift, and ever moreso now without the moorings of local friends and/or family. I have made myself the stranger in a strange land, an island of sorts. In many ways, it suits me.
My move to the south was an effort to pursue a purpose in the desired adoption of a specific responsibility, which has long since turned toxic and so my vacated purpose has left me adrift once again, and trying to find my bearings.
See, what so many people don’t understand is that the responsibilities of life that people often complain about the weight of, are the very thing that give you purpose and meaning, and for those who have a high degree of conscientiousness, purpose and meaning are more sustaining than food or water. They are the harness on a sled dog that gives them something to pull against, a job to do, and the absence of it may be just too free.
There is a saying, “hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, weak men create hard times”.. Perhaps the reason this seems so true is that hard times give men a purpose, a harness to pull against and a job to do.
So as a man who feels a particular lack of purpose, I ask you, What is your purpose? What is your why?
Departure from senses
From balance
Everyone and everything leaves
Someday I will too.
Countless souls
Countless voices have sung their life song to me in silence
Some were valued highest
Sweetest tones of love and affection
But now those songs drift and fade like a distant receding bell through growing dense grey fog
Have I gone deaf, or they mute?
It matters not, the result is the same.
A lover of harmonies banished to silence
Everything leaves
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Kwanza..
Whatever you celebrate, celebrate it well.
This brain dump is not about the spirit of this season per se, but of the spirit of traditions themselves and how we have seen them evolve over our lives. Its about family get-together commitments that went unappreciated, even hated in their day, that I suspect many would absolutely love to be able to enjoy one more time. To sit and break bread with loved ones gone beyond to live again the simpler life of that time. But as years pass, children grow, marry and have children of their own and the old guard slip quietly away, leaving US as the old guard. The traditions of our youth somewhat slip away too, hopefully adopted adapted and carried forward. All the while we were blind to the fact that those were the good old days while we were living them.. and so it bears mentioning to those who do not see it now;
These are the good old days.
And all the while time slowly slips by, so grab hold of it, live it well and with gratitude.
I had a conversation with an old friend a short time ago, more of a brother really, about this subject, reminiscing all the Christmases (and other holidays that I attended as well) he had hosted in his family's home (really somewhat MY family's home), and it brought many memories. People and events over the years, lovely people, surprises revealed, connections made and lost, and many a beverage enjoyed while cooking Christmas steaks from Hall's Market on the grill. I never remember, in the moment, to appreciate the moment.. but only in hindsight.
So here is my Christmas wish and present to you all;
Pay Attention!
Time passes far too quickly and this holiday / week / season will soon be gone. Live it while you can, and embrace the memory as it happens. Tomorrow is not guaranteed
Love to you all
"if you are looking for sympathy, you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.. and that's the ONLY place you'll find it."He was pretty smart like that. The real world doesn't give a rat's fuck about most anyone, unless you are rich or powerful, and I am neither. No worries. I don't measure myself by other people's perceptions of me. If you like me for who I am, cool. If not, your loss. I will not be crushed under the weight of it all. go ahead and pile it on. I will not surrender. I will not quit. I will persevere in the end, and my success will be that much more sweet.
My father once tried to impress upon me that the most important and most valuable thing a person has is their word. If you give your word that you will do something or not do something, your word is a commitment. No contract, no oath, no swearing necessary. Look them in the eye, shake their hand and give your word, and that is a commitment. I would argue that this mindset is an aspect of integrity, trustworthiness, and honor. It has been suggested that any society's greatest natural resource is an inherent honor, a valid belief that you can trust a person to give their word and actually take them at their word to follow through, regardless of what may happen thereafter. For an example of how powerful this can be, look at Japan. I have always strived to embody this idea, and even when it has bitten me due to circumstances, it is a powerfully positive way to do business.
I have a story on this subject from years ago, as I remember it;
Once upon a time, I borrowed a friend's truck, with the agreement that if anything happened to the truck, I would take care of it. Upon arrival at my destination (200 miles away) I discovered that the rear brakes were metal to metal which means, they needed to be replaced immediately. Having given my word, I was committed to repair the vehicle, and I did, but I was stung and educated by the deal because I paid for parts that I did not cause the failure of, they only finally failed while the vehicle was in my possession. Probably 99.99% of the wear that caused the failure of the brakes was caused by the owner or previous borrowers, but I still paid for the parts out of my pocket. I have no issue with that, because that is what I agreed to, but even though the owner was not obligated to do so, the honorable thing for him to do would have been to offer to pay me back for the parts cost because it was his vehicle and he was keeping the parts I installed on his vehicle. As I remember it, That offer never came. I don't even know if the owner was unaware of the impending brake failure, and perhaps made the loan deal knowing it might result in him getting work done on his vehicle, parts and labor free. This is a perfect example of the power of giving your word and having an expectation of reciprocal honor. I kept my word, so my honor is intact. He did not break his word but he still did not act in an honorable way, and his reputation suffers for it. Of course in the final analysis, I'm glad something more expensive did not fail, and I learned a lesson..
This is just a fragment of my headspace on this subject which was initiated by listening to a lecture on the psychological significance of the biblical stories by Jordan Peterson. Specifically, the lecture about a half blind Isaac giving his blessing to Jacob who is pretending to be Esau (the eldest son), and thus steals Esau's birthright.. and Isaac cannot retract the blessing, it has already been given, the words are spoken, it cannot be undone.. Peterson (wrongfully imho) seems to somewhat denigrate the idea that the deal, even when predicated on falsehood, cannot be undone, which seems to be a moral lesson to be careful in one's speech and to contextual details. This is important.
I have found these lectures to be extremely powerful, thought provoking and so worth the time, that i have listened to them all several times and continue to find new facets and depth hidden within them every time.
What if all the life's losses are meant to help you let go of that which is holding you back, and you cannot seem to let go of by your own choice?
What if that is just the guiding and assistive spirit of the almighty taking from you what you need to let go of, but have not learned to recognize that fact yet?
What if those things to be left aside are items of misappropriated importance, actual stumbling blocks and anchors, impeding your movement forward and growth beyond your current plateau?
What if the pain of loss is just a corrective reminder to not hold on, that doing so is wrong aiming?
What if the moments of realization and life that strike so deeply as to inspire awe, are truly transcendentally important, and the physiological effects are meant to punctuate the moment.. like the glove slap to remind you of your oath..?
Inspiration comes and goes
But I do not create my flows
I simply pull them from the air
Above me as they're floating there
The word today commanding focus
Born from some unknown locus
Is simply that, where do you look?
Distracted by film, tunes or book?
Though maybe all have things to teach
Truths as yet beyond our reach
Our lives do try to teach us things
And in so doing give us wings
We live our lives in love and loss
Ignore the pain, appease the boss
Do what we think must be done
Forgetting that we all are one
Losing moments days and years
Embracing joy, push back the tears
Ignoring lessons as we go
Stumbling 'bout as if we know
Push it back for far too long
And soon you'll wake to find it gone
The chance, the dream, the time, the life
The cherished friend, potential wife
Here we realize a truth
That pain itself is living proof
Repressing it is wasting life
And it can only end in strife
For that repressed emotion stays
Until processed and sent away
So we must feel, embrace and live
Averse to take and glad to give
Embrace all lessons as they come
And know that though not all are fun
All lessons in life are surely good
And guide your path as they should
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it
-Ferris Bueller
My pain is self-chosen, at least so the prophet says
-River of Deceit, Mad SeasonThe bigger question at this juncture is whether or not to continue this schedule of self-abuse toward some ultimate goal that may not come, or stop and look around for a while to make sure I don't miss my life as it is slipping by?
I am reminded constantly that life is all about balance. And I apparently suck at it. I find myself suppressing my own dissatisfaction to try to find some happiness along the way, but i forget to deal with the truth until it overflows my barriers and floods me.. drowns me in my own misery. I find myself continuing in a path that does not offer me any joy simply because it is a safe path. I feel my life constantly trying to alter my course through many different means but I stubbornly push back and fall back into my ruts, feeling like I am giving up a small slice of my soul each time.. at very least a small slice of my life.. and I don't know how much I have left to spare.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
An empty space inside of me
empty, hollow and aching
I never feel the joy anymore
time passes in slow agony
echoes of memories haunt me
still I persist and try to live
onward towards the great unknown
using pain to fuel the fires
living life as though it matters
does it?
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