First off, why is it that alcohol always makes me want to rant, or at least express in explicit detail what is currently under my skin? Hemingway was a bit of a drunk by most accounts and a tortured soul.. it makes me wonder why and how these things interact so. A certain removal of inhibition, the walls of self-protection come down and one spills their guts, unabashed, unconcerned with repercussions.. the purest of essence flows from within.. But anyway..
I am once again in the ponderance of a thought, the dichotomy of pain and growth.. How one seems to come along with the other, almost without exception. It almost makes me wish I was a masochist so I could get a lot of learning done, FAST. If for example, I knew that tattoos came with intensely important lessons wrapped inside them, I'd probably be tattooed from nose to toes.
Probably just as well then.
Sidebar; have you tried Guinness Nitro IPA? quite good. New Fav.
Yes, learning, pain all that.
Why is it that the most valuable of lessons is attached to such a well of pain? or is it at all? Perhaps that's just how I see it right now because of circumstances? I am having a near impossible time deciding to sever ties with my ex. Background; Personally I am of the belief that anyone you ever love, you always will, which makes it easy to justify emotions that no longer fit my situation. I am a single guy, and not entirely by choice. While I thought I wanted it to be over for years due to having reached an impasse and communication breakdown a few years ago, it is only in the rearview that I realize how much attachment had formed in the past 7 years. She is now in the unenviable position of being the person to whom I want to talk, always, simply because we have done so for so long, I know nothing else. She is the first person I think of telling about my day and the last person I think of at night. Apparently, I need to learn some new habits of coping. I wrote her a letter today, to tell her I need to sever all contact, and then retrieved the letter before she ever saw it.. which makes me feel as weak as an overcooked noodle.
I could just embrace the anger that keeps coming up and let it decide for me that I deserve better, and maybe I do, but still, the deeply rutted road of my mind pulls me back into the paths of thought that I know. Loyalty it seems, is not always advantageous to one's well being. Is it loyalty at all? I don't know.
Recent reading reminds me that "attachment is the root of all suffering". I have pondered this at length for the past two weeks at least and sadly, I agree. But what kind of psychopath can remain detached?! I know the lesson is deeper than the obvious surface truth, but I am still vexed by the transition, the emptiness of an absent loved one, the reversion back to a state of aloneness. While I am fairly adaptable, this is not a change that i have been able to fully accept, at least partially due to some variability in conduct by my ex.. saying things that leave me twisting in the wind with a half a hope, doing things that imply concern and consideration unexpected from the party who is ending the relationship. There is, of course the very real possibility that the consideration is all just stage-show for the idiot (me)..
And for God's sake, WTF is with all the love songs on the radio / satellite / mp3 shuffle?! Adele kills me, but it is a sweet torture i almost enjoy. I am after all a hopeless romantic.. much to my chagrin..
I am Irish after all, and a survivor.