Sunday, April 9, 2017

Two Years Passed



So here I am 2 years (actually 23 months if you want to quibble about detail) since I began working a second job, bumping my weekly workload to 56 hrs per week minimum. Mostly it has been 60 hr weeks, with a few 68 hour weeks last year and recently settled into a casual 64 hour work week while getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. What has it gotten me? Well, not much. I worked on some junk but also worked on a one of a kind project (Enzo) with some personal satisfaction attached to that. My debts are largely paid off but not entirely, my net worth is in the positive range finally but I have very regrettably lost the most enduring romantic relationship of my life. The downward spiral of that relationship began about two years ago too, so one has to wonder about the correlation of the two. Really its no wonder at all, I've nearly lost myself to my work schedule, never mind losing relationships and closeness with family and friends.. and now I am floundering through my life adrift and aghast at what I've done to it. As I was reminded last night;
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it 

-Ferris Bueller  

 .. so what now? I realize I've been running to catch up to some undefined level of success achievement I will probably never realize through normal avenues because I took a decade off from life 15 years ago. And I have lost touch with myself, my true nature, my inner philosopher, my idealistic heart, my romantic nature. A large part of the why is simple; mental pathways are strengthened through repetition, and I use anger.

A lot is said about anger being a poison, but in the truest nature of philosophy, it is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so (Shakespeare). I liken anger to fire. Humanity as a whole has through the harnessing of fire learned to do things we were previously unable to do, from cooking food to make it not induce sickness, all the way up to traveling to distant planets and even sending spacecraft beyond the edge of our own solar system. But all this aside, no one would deny that fire is a potentially dangerous thing if allowed to run rampant. It is almost a living thing, it can be born of the right conditions, it consumes, it grows, it breathes, it can give birth to its own kind, and it can be extinguished.
So too is anger. It is something that can be harnessed to drive change and improvements, it staves off complacency so that I do not become lazy and just accept what I do not like. Many people have tried to guide me toward happiness, and while I do appreciate and occasionally dally in it, it does not serve me, it does not drive me, it does not help me aspire to achieve better things. Profound dissatisfaction (aka anger) serves me, but also has cost me. It has taught me, and it has made me forget.
It is arguably neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.

My pain is self-chosen, at least so the prophet says

-River of Deceit, Mad Season
The bigger question at this juncture is whether or not to continue this schedule of self-abuse toward some ultimate goal that may not come, or stop and look around for a while to make sure I don't miss my life as it is slipping by?

Thursday, December 8, 2016

All about the balance..

I am reminded constantly that life is all about balance. And I apparently suck at it. I find myself suppressing my own dissatisfaction to try to find some happiness along the way, but i forget to deal with the truth until it overflows my barriers and floods me.. drowns me in my own misery. I find myself continuing in a path that does not offer me any joy simply because it is a safe path. I feel my life constantly trying to alter my course through many different means but I stubbornly push back and fall back into my ruts, feeling like I am giving up a small slice of my soul each time.. at very least a small slice of my life.. and I don't know how much I have left to spare.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Autopilot and the problems associated..

Sometimes life throw you a big ball of shit and says, "Here, deal with this" and we do, because we must, but between those rollercoaster-like dives, we  have relatively easy travels.. which is when my autopilot mode kicks in. Because of my innate intensity of focus and emotion (and the profound unhappiness that can cause in myself and others due to circumstances outside my control), I have a habit of intentionally disengaging my mind from my life and just mindlessly going through it all, not paying too much attention. I am realizing that the problem in that is similar to a crappy movie I saw, I'm losing time. My life is slipping by, effectively unlived. No one really at the wheel. Asleep in my Tesla rolling through the traffic of life (no i don't have one, i wish i did).
Now all of this is not really a big deal except it is not ME. I am, at heart, passionate and engaging, an idealist who has not yet been crushed by the weight of this life, a poet, a dreamer, a philosopher.. and all of this part of me, is being subdued by situation and circumstance. I am torn whether to set down roots to feel like i have someplace I belong (but in doing further suppress my own true nature and buy into a lifetime of debt I have struggled for years to be free from), or tear up what little roots i do have and roll along like a tumbleweed, freeing myself from all these self imposed bonds of mental slavery. 
I have no answers. Only questions.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

the roller coaster, an alcohol induced rant

First off, why is it that alcohol always makes me want to rant, or at least express in explicit detail what is currently under my skin? Hemingway was a bit of a drunk by most accounts and a tortured soul.. it makes me wonder why and how these things interact so. A certain removal of inhibition, the walls of self-protection come down and one spills their guts, unabashed, unconcerned with repercussions.. the purest of essence flows from within.. But anyway..
I am once again in the ponderance of a thought, the dichotomy of pain and growth.. How one seems to come along with the other, almost without exception. It almost makes me wish I was a masochist so I could get a lot of learning done, FAST. If for example, I knew that tattoos came with intensely important lessons wrapped inside them, I'd probably be tattooed from nose to toes.
Probably just as well then.

Sidebar; have you tried Guinness Nitro IPA? quite good. New Fav.

Yes, learning, pain all that.
Why is it that the most valuable of lessons is attached to such a well of pain? or is it at all? Perhaps that's just how I see it right now because of circumstances? I am having a near impossible time deciding to sever ties with my ex. Background; Personally I am of the belief that anyone you ever love, you always will, which makes it easy to justify emotions that no longer fit my situation. I am a single guy, and not entirely by choice. While I thought I wanted it to be over for years due to having reached an impasse and communication breakdown a few years ago, it is only in the rearview that I realize how much attachment had formed in the past 7 years. She is now in the unenviable position of being the person to whom I want to talk, always, simply because we have done so for so long, I know nothing else. She is the first person I think of telling about my day and the last person I think of at night.  Apparently, I need to learn some new habits of coping.  I wrote her a letter today, to tell her I need to sever all contact, and then retrieved the letter before she ever saw it.. which makes me feel as weak as an overcooked noodle.
I could just embrace the anger that keeps coming up and let it decide for me that I deserve better, and maybe I do, but still, the deeply rutted road of my mind pulls me back into the paths of thought that I know. Loyalty it seems, is not always advantageous to one's well being. Is it loyalty at all? I don't know.
Recent reading reminds me that "attachment is the root of all suffering". I have pondered this at length for the past two weeks at least and sadly, I agree. But what kind of psychopath can remain detached?! I know the lesson is deeper than the obvious surface truth, but I am still vexed by the transition, the emptiness of an absent loved one, the reversion back to a state of aloneness. While I am fairly adaptable, this is not a change that i have been able to fully accept, at least partially due to some variability in conduct by my ex.. saying things that leave me twisting in the wind with a half a hope, doing things that imply concern and consideration unexpected from the party who is ending the relationship. There is, of course the very real possibility that the consideration is all just stage-show for the idiot (me)..
And for God's sake, WTF is with all the love songs on the radio / satellite / mp3 shuffle?! Adele kills me, but it is a sweet torture i almost enjoy. I am after all a hopeless romantic.. much to my chagrin..
I am Irish after all, and a survivor.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Forgive us our trespasses..

It seems I owe a thank you and an apology to all.

I am sorry for everything I’ve done that has tread upon the kindness, decency and patience of others. I know now that I’ve done a lot of damage along the way and I need to start trying to make amends. The old metaphor of a bull in a china shop fits well. This is worthy of a significant amount of contrition, as a point of recognition of my own errant ways, and that is my intention here. 

One of the constant drives in my life is the pursuit of personal growth, and recent changes in my life have made me step back and think about how I am, how I have treated people. I’ve come to rediscover that I am, in all candor, at least occasionally, an asshole. .  and I owe an apology for that to the universe and all souls contained therein.  Even though I am generally well intentioned, I realize that I am also ignorant, impatient, intolerant, judgmental and a ranting fool. I’ve said and done things that I wish I had not and damaged or outright destroyed relationships and occasionally hurt people throughout my life.  
I have for many years converted mild depression into anger for survival and motivation, which made me callous to other’s depression because it is a mindset I can no longer empathize with,  without falling into it wholly.  The chosen inability to empathize makes me seem like I don’t care, but that is not the truth at all. But I digress..

If I have tread heavily upon your kindness or good will, I am truly sorry for that and for any negative repercussion to your state or well being. We are all just travelers to this time and place, and I’m trying to move on from the bad choices and bad behavior of my past. The saying goes, “you cannot pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first”. 


Thank you all for the lessons, the kindness, the forgiveness, the love, and  the time to read this

Thursday, December 2, 2010

quiet simmering rage..

What is the source of this?
A feeling.. an impression from unknown origins..
But my instincts never lie to me.. and I always end up wishing I had listened to them in the end.
I quietly deny them again and again..
And I pay for that indulgence.. the brief reprieve.. again and again.
But I want to be wrong.
I allow myself the wishful thought of self deceptions, but know full well the price I will pay in the end.
Ignorance is perhaps truly bliss..
If only I were capable.
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Sunday, October 24, 2010

the depths of dementia

entangled and intertwined, our lives do not exist in a vacuum. though i suppose some almost do, most are absolutely defined by being entwined. sometimes it is only through the fragments of memory that we so desperately cling to, that our lives have any meaning at all, because with out the yin, the yang means nothing and ceases to exist, reverting to nothingness.
but if nothingness is the source of all things, then that is the only pure perspective, being outside the realm of what is commonly considered reality.. it exists free of interpretation or the coloring of interaction..