Adrift

Everything in balance.. 

If you constantly focus on your long view trajectory in life, you may find yourself obsessing, impatient and anxious over the perception of slow progress toward the goal. 

But if you focus only on the here and now, you may find when you finally pay attention, that you are wandering around your life aimlessly and without purpose. 

This later state is where I find myself. I am not depressed or anything, just aimless. Adrift perhaps, without a map and very little understanding of how to navigate.

Perhaps a study of cartography..

what is love?

 it is the ripe fruit that feeds out souls more deeply than the flesh could ever understand

it is the pain of the void, the emptiness of living without

It is the space we try to fill or distract from in a myriad of ways, but never succeed..

it is the very juice of life itself, the absence of which leaves everything pale, withered, meaningless

it is a nearly psychedelic thing, making every infinitesimal detail of life more vibrant and alive, engaging, real

and it is the dungeon master, the profound torture of knowing what can be and has been, but was perhaps forsaken and may never be again

it is the ideal that the romantics aspire to know

but it is also like a feral cat, a pure force of nature, wild and free

it is all we want but seldom deserve

it is a blessing and a gift that we only appreciate on its arrival and departure, never its sustained presence

it is the reason good men may throw their lives on the balance and say if someone most lose, here I am, Let it be me

it is that ethereal thing that cannot be defined or captured, but we will always try

it the wound of its departure

it is eternal in its own way, unless we harden our hearts to it, and woe to he who does

it is the very ambrosia of the Gods, and their essence

and after all this, it is still undefined.

it always will be

it is all we ever seek and can never truly possess.

it is a profoundly beautiful thing that inspires such creations, clumsy, awkward, and ugly in comparison to a simple sunrise

Toxicity of the crowd

It is interesting how the norms are often toxic AF..

How dare anyone defy the norms

It's a great way to paint a bulls eye on yourself, to have a mind of your own

To not fall in lockstep with the hive mind of worthlessness 

Sorry boys, I'm not your huckleberry

And, I have no Fs to give what you think of me

Side note, I have often had friction wherever I've worked because people don't like it when others "work too hard"

As if I give a F.

They are just adding themselves to the list of people who are irrelevant to me.

He who has a why

 This has been rattling around my head for a few years now.

I have repeatedly posted a quote from Nietzsche saying, ‘He who has a why, can tolerate almost any how’. This correlates nicely with a quote from Frankel (sp?) saying, ‘A man without purpose distracts himself with pleasure’ which I recently realized has been the synopsis of the majority of my free time pursuit for years.. Largely because the desired purpose seems all but closed off to me.

This may suggest to the observant what I have long known to be true, I lack a why, a real purpose. I continue to be adrift, and ever moreso now without the moorings of local friends and/or family. I have made myself the stranger in a strange land, an island of sorts. In many ways, it suits me.

My move to the south was an effort to pursue a purpose in the desired adoption of a specific responsibility, which has long since turned toxic and so my vacated purpose has left me adrift once again, and trying to find my bearings.

What many people don’t understand is that the responsibilities of life that people often complain about the weight of, are the very thing that give you purpose and meaning, and for those who have a high degree of conscientiousness, purpose and meaning are more sustaining than food or water. They are the harness on a sled dog that gives them something to pull against, a job to do, and the absence of it may be just too free.

There is a saying, “hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, weak men create hard times”.. Perhaps the reason this seems so true is that hard times give men a purpose, a harness to pull against and a job to do.

So as a man who feels a particular lack of purpose, I ask you, What is your purpose? What is your why?

What if..?

What if you're exactly where you belong? 

What if the circumstances of your life are not a conspiracy of punishment and pain?

What if this IS 'the plan'? 

What if all the emptiness and lack are here to call forth the muse, to fill it?

What if the void exists for an orchestrated reason?

After all, The Universe abhors a vacuum..

Why has the question not shown itself before?

All this birthed from the echoes of beauty, witnessed in passing, burned into memory. 

Perhaps the bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.

Be grateful to the muse when she reveals herself to you!

Sense of purpose & Nihilism

Sometimes, ideas jump out at you.

What if Nihilism is the normative response as a coping mechanism for the lack of meaning and purpose in one's own life? We all live in our own little worlds, created by the filters of our own perception, defined by intention. This much is absolutely true, is as much as we think. If you choose not to think, then you'll just be led like sheep through your life. 

But if you think, and you find your life to be without purpose or meaning, while living in a world where you believe that everything matters, then you choose to suffer a private prison. A private hell.

In the face of this,  you have two choices; find/create purpose & meaning in your life, or change what you believe about the world to resolve the conflict and cast off your burden. 

Here's the problem with that choice (aside from it being a self deception); pursuing your bliss is empty and only a momentary reprieve from the private hell.  Only meaning and purpose have the depth of importance to sustain you.  

So I would contend that Nihilists are the  disillusioned and disconnected among us who changed their frame of relation with the world to make their hell, appear less so. This does not have to be a conscious choice, as I have found much of the motivating aspect of my nature comes from a subconscious level. You may be able to rule your subconscious,  but it steers you back in small ways.

All the more reason to be in touch with that inner voice and hear its whispers. It is trying to help you as best it knows how.. but sometimes it s wrong.. but still listen. Have that dialogue.

here's a thought you won't often hear

I know something about this subject.. 

Anxiety and depression are your friends

Yes, they are.

Anxiety and depression are merely the emotional equivalent of an muscle strain or ankle sprain, they are an indication that something is wrong or has been injured. Maybe you pushed too hard while working/playing or working out, or on a training exercise.  

Maybe you've found yourself in a socially toxic environment that punishes you for your virtues, or maybe you've offended someone and are being rebuked because of it. 

Like physical discomfort, your emotional pain is a warning system to tell you, something is wrong. Either you're doing something the wrong way, or in a place/battle that is past saving and you need to (conceptually/ physically/ emotionally) extract yourself, regroup, recalibrate and figure out a new direction.. or new mission parameters.

And that warning system is a GOOD thing, because in its absence, what would happen? You'd stay in that same toxic relationship or situation or workplace forever. 

What is the alternative? 

Socrates said, "those who want the fewest things are nearest to the gods" and it is a state of mind I have aspired to most of my life. I can find contentment in a moment of peace and enlightened pondering. But that is not motivating, it is aspirationally paralyzing. 

You NEED to characterize the problems AS PROBLEMS before you can conceptualize the need for an alternative plan,  because in the absence of a plan, nothing ever changes for the better. 

Lastly the only truly problematic issue of anxiety and depression is that they are states that draw our attention to them (as all problems should) but what has been lost is the recognition that it is simply a sign, a marker of a problem that requires a solution, and we fixated on the problem instead of finding the solution. 

Do not bury or rationalize or medicate away your emotions, they are trying to guide you to a better life! Process what needs to be processed, flush the rest, and seek a path forward.

Seek and you shall find!