Sentimentality

I'm having difficulty reconciling my high degree of sentimentality with my absolute ability to disconnect emotionality from people who should be pivotal people for me. Like Sandy. 

I have been toying with reaching out to her for months now.. but also toying with reaching out to other people who I cut out my life in much more recent time frames. 

I am not asking you for advice, I am just trying to figure out my own motivation or lack thereof, so that I may know if I am lying to myself or repressing some thought about this all, in context to one's own mortality. 

I do know that I tend to want to reach out when I am at a crossroads or feel more particularly solitary and indulging my sentimentality. 

Life is after all at least largely about relationships, if not to specific individuals, then to humanity as such. And I know I am failing or lacking in every single relationship in my existence. Even my relationship with my own being. I have always, and perhaps will always want more, and today have nearly nothing.. and that is the exquisite torture of a sentimental soul.