He who has a why

 This has been rattling around my head for a few years now.

I have repeatedly posted a quote from Nietzsche saying, ‘He who has a why, can tolerate almost any how’. This correlates nicely with a quote from Frankel (sp?) saying, ‘A man without purpose distracts himself with pleasure’ which I recently realized has been the synopsis of the majority of my free time pursuit for years.. Largely because the desired purpose seems all but closed off to me.

This may suggest to the observant what I have long known to be true, I lack a why, a real purpose. I continue to be adrift, and ever moreso now without the moorings of local friends and/or family. I have made myself the stranger in a strange land, an island of sorts. In many ways, it suits me.

My move to the south was an effort to pursue a purpose in the desired adoption of a specific responsibility, which has long since turned toxic and so my vacated purpose has left me adrift once again, and trying to find my bearings.

See, what so many people don’t understand is that the responsibilities of life that people often complain about the weight of, are the very thing that give you purpose and meaning, and for those who have a high degree of conscientiousness, purpose and meaning are more sustaining than food or water. They are the harness on a sled dog that gives them something to pull against, a job to do, and the absence of it may be just too free.

There is a saying, “hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, weak men create hard times”.. Perhaps the reason this seems so true is that hard times give men a purpose, a harness to pull against and a job to do.

So as a man who feels a particular lack of purpose, I ask you, What is your purpose? What is your why?

Sentimentality

I'm having difficulty reconciling my high degree of sentimentality with my absolute ability to disconnect emotionality from people who should be pivotal people for me. Like Sandy. 

I have been toying with reaching out to her for months now.. but also toying with reaching out to other people who I cut out my life in much more recent time frames. 

I am not asking you for advice, I am just trying to figure out my own motivation or lack thereof, so that I may know if I am lying to myself or repressing some thought about this all, in context to one's own mortality. 

I do know that I tend to want to reach out when I am at a crossroads or feel more particularly solitary and indulging my sentimentality. 

Life is after all at least largely about relationships, if not to specific individuals, then to humanity as such. And I know I am failing or lacking in every single relationship in my existence. Even my relationship with my own being. I have always, and perhaps will always want more, and today have nearly nothing.. and that is the exquisite torture of a sentimental soul.

Truths become self evident

Perhaps the reason that being able to carefully and judiciously break rules is a good thing is that the rules need to evolve as our understanding of the realm we live in grows to new paradigms

Like the constant course corrections on a long roadless journey, we nudge our trajectories to a closer approximation of perfection. 

We must take aim