What if..?

What if all the life's losses are meant to help you let go of that which is holding you back, and you cannot seem to let go of by your own choice?
What if that is just the guiding and assistive spirit of the almighty taking from you what you need to let go of, but have not learned to recognize that fact yet?
What if those things to be left aside are items of misappropriated importance,  actual stumbling blocks and anchors, impeding your movement forward and growth beyond your current plateau?
What if the pain of loss is just a corrective reminder to not hold on, that doing so is wrong aiming?
What if the moments of realization and life that strike so deeply as to inspire awe, are truly transcendentally important, and the physiological effects are meant to punctuate the moment.. like the glove slap to remind you of your oath..?

Who is responsible for how you feel?

I came to believe several years ago that you alone are responsible for your own feelings and that the spoken word of another person is not responsible for how you feel, but I have recently realized that is not quite right.  It seems that the impact that someone else's opinions have on you is directly related to how important that person is to you, so there is a  silently negotiated, mutual responsibility for the impact we have on each other.
Now, to the socially adept individual,  this is probably painfully obvious but for me this is a revelation of significant importance and one that is worthy of preservation in text before it disappears from my memory like so many other revelations have.
This realization shines a blinding light on my failure to properly weigh & consider my friends' and family's (and my ex's) feelings in my conduct and discourse.
I am very sorry to all of you for that
I am after all, quite fallible.
Another recent realization relates to the innate sense of fair play the exists even in less intelligent species. As was revealed by a study, rats love rough and tumble wrestling play, and have a natural understanding of fair play. In this study, if you pair up two rats of very different strengths,  the big one can always win, but if he doesn't let the little one win at least 30% of the time, the little one will stop playing.
I realize that in my past relationship I have always focused on winning (debates mostly) (side effect of being the youngest of 3 boys in my family) and thus destroyed my last relationship. Never mind all the rest of them probably.

Static versus Dynamic

Have you ever reached a point where you know that you want,  need more... or even less... But not the same. Status quo is, it seems in this moment at least, death. Nothing ventured, no chance for growth but seemingly reduced chances of loss.. except time.. life.. vitality itself.  I have been idling for most of my life at a crossroads, trying to decide on a course, a path onward. For far too long I have accepted the place I am for better or for worse, instead of moving onward to win or lose, to venture, to dare. And through all the time considering choices, weighing out the decision, time has slipped by. I turn around and am suddenly far older than i ever thought i'd live to be, and sadly with very little to show for it. I have a primal hunger to spread my seed, to sow and cultivate new life, to teach and guide and shape toward a righteous path, that i may leave a mark on this world that makes it better than it might have been without me. But I have little by way of substantiable gifts to offer forward.. As years progress and loved ones shuffle off, I think so much more about my legacy, the precise shape of my handprint on the canvas of the world.. and want to make it better. I know full well I've done good but also done wrong, even with forethought and indifference.. but at least maybe without malice. My command of language has slipped, rusty gears don't mesh like they should, and now i am relegated to a butter knife at the childrens table, down from the carving knife at the head of the table. So much time passed, so much lost and only myself to blame.
Fortis Fortuna Adiuvat.
Be bold.