Friday, August 26, 2016

Autopilot and the problems associated..

Sometimes life throw you a big ball of shit and says, "Here, deal with this" and we do, because we must, but between those rollercoaster-like dives, we  have relatively easy travels.. which is when my autopilot mode kicks in. Because of my innate intensity of focus and emotion (and the profound unhappiness that can cause in myself and others due to circumstances outside my control), I have a habit of intentionally disengaging my mind from my life and just mindlessly going through it all, not paying too much attention. I am realizing that the problem in that is similar to a crappy movie I saw, I'm losing time. My life is slipping by, effectively unlived. No one really at the wheel. Asleep in my Tesla rolling through the traffic of life (no i don't have one, i wish i did).
Now all of this is not really a big deal except it is not ME. I am, at heart, passionate and engaging, an idealist who has not yet been crushed by the weight of this life, a poet, a dreamer, a philosopher.. and all of this part of me, is being subdued by situation and circumstance. I am torn whether to set down roots to feel like i have someplace I belong (but in doing further suppress my own true nature and buy into a lifetime of debt I have struggled for years to be free from), or tear up what little roots i do have and roll along like a tumbleweed, freeing myself from all these self imposed bonds of mental slavery. 
I have no answers. Only questions.