who knows?

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

An empty space inside of me

empty, hollow and aching

I never feel the joy anymore

time passes in slow agony

echoes of memories haunt me

still I persist and try to live

onward towards the great unknown

using pain to fuel the fires

living life as though it matters

does it?

fat fucking bastard

My life has thrown me a fair share of stress.
Perhaps more than a fair share.
Anyone who knows me knows this is true.
Once again however, I face a realization I've had before;
That my pain and stresses are self inflicted by way of my hopes or expectations, unfulfilled.
Damned Idealism..
It is said that the richest man in the world is the man without want.
I have at times succeeded in that effort, but I am not a monk, and my resolve wears thin..
And now I look at myself, what I am, what i have to offer..
..And i realize that the path i once chose has now chosen me..
I have become the fat fucking bastard I would once have ridiculed as a child.
I am the social misfit, the swirling mess of financial ruin, the old man who still thinks he's 20 years younger..
A joke, I am sure, in the eyes of some.
Fuck them.
Let them walk a mile.
I need a drink..

Happy Birthday Reed..

Today would have been your 24th birthday, a celebration of life, but because you are not here with us to celebrate it is also a day in which we wistfully remember who you were, who you could have become. Yours was a life lived well and fully in such short time, obviously touching so many lives, leaving your mark on this world.
It gives me pause to consider other hardships and put them in a larger perspective.. And having done that, life is so much more beautiful than it seemed just a moment ago.
Thank you for teaching me that.
Rest in Peace in the arms of the angels.