Adrift

I have departed the normal course.. 

the normal path so many follow 

It is not permanent. 

but for the moment i enjoy the moments of peace 

the quietness that can enter one's soul when freed from the stresses of life 

i find myself lost in the wood.. 

 .. not so far from the path but out of sight 

none the less there is a tragedy here.. 

that I could feel so disconnected from the awe of nature 

so alienated from what is good and real.. 

though i would not choose this if i had a choice, 

i must once again swallow my voice and turn back toward that beaten path, 

rejoining this life.. 

already in progress..

Stress..

Building..

swelling like a tidal wave 

intent on washing over everything in its path 

with all the force and fury of a tempest 

mother nature on a rampage 

laying waste 

obliterating everything 

all succumb to the forces they cannot control eventually

"Sweaty Brain" or "Nicotine Withdrawal"

I want free of this.. 

my mind races in no particular direction r

eliving and rehashing old wounds.. 

old loves.. old losses.. 

walking on eggshells when all i want is to scream out loud in the faces of those who would listen.. 

to show them how thin the line is between now and lost forever 

how carefully i'm walking the line.. 

how dangerous my path, 

how tenuous my footing.. 

I slow my breathing.. 

I slow my heart 

I face the world again.

Flashbacks

for some reason today, my mind flashed to loves and lusts i've known.. 

why should they now come forth from the depths of my mind? 

do i seem to be somehow in need of a bit of misery? 

a splash of exquisite agony.. 

the memories of profound feelings are indeed a joy, 

but.. set against the backdrop of this moment.. they are torturous..

Go ahead, Pile it on

Sometimes it seems like my life and circumstances are designed to test me.. I mean the past two months have been practically a constant downhill slide on every level. I could waste my time listing off and focusing on my hardships, but it would serve no purpose. I seek no sympathy. As my father said,

"if you are looking for sympathy, you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.. and that's the ONLY place you'll find it."

He was pretty smart like that. The real world doesn't give a rat's fuck about most anyone, unless you are rich or powerful, and I am neither. No worries. I don't measure myself by other people's perceptions of me. If you like me for who I am, cool. If not, your loss. I will not be crushed under the weight of it all. go ahead and pile it on. I will not surrender. I will not quit. I will persevere in the end, and my success will be that much more sweet.

Nicotine Dreams

Who would have thought that this little patch 

would bring such vivid dreams to hatch? 

Powerful dreams, sensual and real 

as any that I in my memory did feel 

fighting the dawn to stay asleep 

within the dreams so warm and deep 

but forced awake i face the day 

wishing that the dreams would stay 

but fleeting fast they disappear 

retreating to a place not near 

waiting for me to come again 

for i will live among them then 

 the dreams have now become surreal 

i wish that i could always feel 

the feelings and sensations there 

to live and dream without a care 

 sweet dreams to you all

Acceptance

Acceptance of truths over which we have no control.. 

acceptance of the loss of love, 

or even the hope thereof.. 

or loss of a dear and special friend.. 

loss of all the perfect things 

is tragic in the pain it brings. 

this world so reft with angst and pain, 

once ignored, now clear again, 

tortures me, my softer side, 

until it can but run and hide, 

back within the gilded keep, 

hidden well and buried deep, 

it lives and hopes inside of me, 

awaiting someday to be free. 

 

Acceptance. 

It is a tragic moment in time.. 

if it were but a moment it would be tolerable 

but it comes and goes as I waver from hope to acceptance 

hope against all reason still lives in me 

therein lies my greatest strength and my greatest source of pain 

I revel in it.. the pain.. for it is like an old friend, 

i know it well 

it inspires me to be a better man 

to aspire to greater things 

to appreciate the joys that life brings.. 

fleeting though they may be.

Graffiti in my mind

once again.. 

twisting, hanging, burning in the fetid winds the sudden realization that I am not past it at all 

and though I am nothing.. have nothing to share, ... 

i want more so much more.. i am biting back so much 

this is the price of hope.. the pain it brings.. 

the emptiness of unfulfilled dreams dreams that carried me through thousands of miles back home 

i suppose they served a purpose 

so now should i just let them go? 

or still hold on against all reason? 

maybe i'll decide tomorrow...

Time still ticking away

whether with or without purpose, time keeps ticking away 

stealing seconds of your life, 

one tick at a time 

a life lived.. no transcended, looking for purpose and fulfillment 

finding neither 

simply wandering the labyrinth under the full moon 

excited, half-blind, and seeing monsters in the shrubs.. 

lost 

refusing to admit it 

refusing to be brought down by the weight 

refusing to bend.. 

to be bent without intent 

standing tall in the face of it all 

knowing that one day it will all catch up with me 

sooner or later, 

that day will come.

Times Passes..

time passes and situations change.. 

realizations come and change perspectives 

..sometimes its all about perspective.. 

i feel lost in the maze of life 

unsure about what i want or where i want to be 

ever aware that time is slipping by 

i have felt burning passions but now i am numb ambivalent towards my life, 

my direction.. or lack thereof 

discordant thoughts and feelings playing through my head 

no purpose in being, 

no passion for life and love 

fallen back into the life i've known 

simply existing, but not really living not truly alive at all 

simply pacing off my time 

how many steps to the unknown? 

discarded by the norms of society, i live as an addict again addicted to adrenaline, 

to feeling alive, 

by flirting with danger and death

Love is

love is a passion
it consumes us
it drives to aspire to greater things
it is the very nectar of life
but when love leaves us
empty and alone
cold and vacant
then what is left?
what purpose is there?
what reason to be?